In Conscious Discipline, how do rewards and punishments come into play?
I mean didn’t we all get sent to our rooms after “bad behavior” as a kid?
Think back to the feelings you attach to those memories.
Or how about when you were praised with rewards like treats or money when you were “good?”
These parentings tactics mean well, but really all the teach us as children is to push down difficult emotions, sending the message it’s not safe to express ourselves.
Rewards and punishments drills in us in that in order to be love and accepted we need behave in a certain way all the time, or else.
PARENT- CHILD CONNECTION
Conscious discipline shows that reward & punishments wreak havoc on the parent and child dynamic.
Why?
While they might give us desired results (in the short term) we have to dig deeper into the motivation behind our children’s immediate “obedience.”
Studies reveal rewards & punishments only instill external motivation.
AKA :
They do it for us not from the desire of their own hearts.
In fact, children demonstrated even higher levels of rule breaking when away from their parents.
PUNISHMENT
Alfie Kohn, author of Uncondtional Parenting, describes punishment as :
Instead the goal as parents should be :
- understand what’s driving certain behaviors (are they tired, overstimulated, need more connection, etc)
- teach healthy emotional regulation skills for big emotions ( deep breaths,taking space,mindful body scan, communicating)
- model respectful relationships by setting (and sticking) boundaries and holding limits
WHAT TO DO INSTEAD
- Time In’s ( staying with them until they calm down)
- Logical & Related Consequences
- Realistic expectations – understanding our child’s brain development
- Prioritize our own mental & physical well-being