It’s no question that the setting boundary movement is a hot topic today ( and rightfully so) !
“Saying no as a full sentence, cutting toxic people out of our lives, and protecting our energy is celebrated as an essential quality to a “perfect” self care routine.
And while this technically isn’t wrong, sticking to our boundaries isn’t as black and white as that, especially if you battle with anxiety.
In fact, the situations where I have had to stick to my boundaries left me feeling stressed and even more anxious afterwards.
Not to say that I’m not glad I did it ( it’s in facing those uncomfortable moments where we grow the most) but it was an eye opening moment to realize that boundaries have some hard truths to them.
There isn’t one size fits all for boundaries. Sometimes we aren’t ready to cut that toxic person out of our lives, then what?
If you struggle with anxiety and are looking for a holistic approach to setting boundaries that are comfortable for where you are right now, this is for you.
These top five hard truths are taken from the boundary queen herself, well known Therapist and Author, Nedra Glover Tawwab.
1. YOU CAN HAVE BOUNDARIES IN uncontrollable SITUATIONS
What usually happens when you force someone to do something they don’t really want to do?
I know that for me it can be mentally exhausting ( and downright impossible) to try asserting boundaries onto people who ultimately are in control of their own actions.
That’s why the most effective boundaries are the ones we set for ourselves with other people! Tawwab gives the perfect example : you can’t control your friend going out and drinking too much but you can choose how you deal with it :
After … amount of drinks I’m going home
How much you’re willing to help
What you’re willing to watch
Basically we’re putting our sanity back into our own hands by not stressing to control other people’s actions and instead deciding what we’re willing tolerate.
2. PEOPLE DON’T always SUPPORT SOMETHING good
“The hardest thing about implementing boundaries is accepting that some people won’t like, understand, or agree with yours. Not being liked by everyone is a small consequence when you consider the overall reward of healthier relationships.”
― Nedra Glover Tawwab
When you first come up with a boundary it feels exciting because you can’t wait to feel assertive, confident and happy you’ve established a healthy rule for yourself.
But honestly, people can bring the energy down real quick when you first introduce it to them.
It takes building our courage and patience to constantly let them know you won’t be changing your mind.
For example, “ I need you to take your shoes off before you enter my home.” Now that rule isn’t anything drastic. It keeps your house clean and doesn’t take too much effort.
But if someone pushes back at your rule that doesn’t mean it’s bad or you should change it, it simply means they won’t support you.
Maybe they’ll come around or maybe they won’t and while that can be a hard thing to accept ( especially if your boundary is small) you’ll still be able to reap the benefits your healthy rule.
3. You already have them
Our society has taught us to lose our power to be assertive and question our boundaries but that doesn’t mean we don’t already have any. Think back to your early experiences and how people may have stopped you from expressing what you actually needed in that moment :
- You didn’t really want to go to that party / event
- Made to eat everything on your plate even you were full
- Give that person a hug / kiss goodbye even if made you feel comfortable
- how do you develop new ones, increase ones, we need learn how to execute new boundaries
Our boundaries have been tampered with for so long that they’re no longer important in our minds, and it can take a while to learn how to express the things that were once important to us, but that doesn’t mean they are still there.
4. ITS NOT PERSONAL
Sometimes people are being intentional when they won’t listen to your boundaries. They simply forget and its up to us to continue to assert our boundaries time and time again until it becomes normal for them.
Or people will keep asking in the hopes that you will eventually give in because that’s how we’re programmed to do things.
This might sound familiar for example: ( I’ve been meditating for a week straight and now I’m over it.)
It’s in our nature to struggle with self- discipline so just saying it once won’t click for a lot of people.
Can you think how hard it is to be self- disciplined vs. now adding something new on top of that?
Our boundaries won’t be on everyone’s top list and it’s our job to continue to stick to our principles, cut them some slack, but still not budge or question our new boundary even if they aren’t taking the time to respect it.
( It takes some level of training to consistently get them to do it, just like with any new hobby!)
5. CUTTING PEOPLE OFF ISN’T A MUST
You don’t have to cut a person out of your life if they aren’t respecting your boundaries, but you can dictate how you interact with them.
Sometimes figuring out what boundaries even are is hard enough, and then throwing cutting off a relationship in the mix? It can easily become overwhelming especially if you’re anxious about asserting yourself, so it’s okay to take it one step at a time!
Do what works for you, not everyone else.
Remember everything you do is a chose, and to be a healthy who has strong boundaries doesn’t mean you have to completely stop talking to someone if you aren’t ready for that. Everyone has a different tolerance level as well!)
Related: 5 Ways to Stand Up For Yourself Despite Social Anxiety