Emotional Agility is the ability to accept our emotions without judgement.
And as someone who has struggled with anxiety, believe me I’ve tried all the things.
Affirmations, positive thinking, meditation, you name it.
And while they helped in the short term, I always ended experiencing the same unwanted feelings.
This make sense, since we live in a society that classifies emotions as “good” or “bad”.
This results in many of dealing with an internal struggle when a “negative” emotion comes up.
You know, the one where we feel bad that we’re feeling bad.
Harvard psychologist, Susan David, offers a new perspective in her book, Emotional Agility:
Where emotions like anger, envy, sadness, annoyance aren’t positive, or negative, but simply just are.
So, if we push them down ( or over think them) in the pursuit of constant positivity, they will show in our lives even stronger.
In contrast, studies show that labeling our emotions is better for our mental and physical well-being.
Similarly, tools like affirmations are like “icing on the cake” on top of properly welcoming all emotions.
Here are the top 3 insights I learned from her book on that was life changing ( especially as a parent) on how to get unstuck through embodying emotional agility.
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1. Choose Self Compassion Instead
Self compassion is the ability to feel something and instead of punishing yourself for that feeling, instead of being able to say this is tough. I’m having this feeling and it’s tough.
Susian Daivd
Punishing yourself for having an emotion is allowing it to become your identity.
For example :
- Because I’m angry and I have no right to be with way, I should be xyz instead.
- I’m a bad person for feeling this way.
Vs :
- I’m noticing I’m having feelings of anger, sadness, etc.
See the difference?
When you put “I’m” in front of something, suddenly it become’s apart of who you are instead of just apart of the human experience.
Our emotions are just a good old mixture of instinct ( example- fear to keep us safe) and our perceived reality based on past negative experiences (traumas).
That’s why Dr. Susan David suggests practicing gentle acceptance.
And without the pressure of beating ourselves up , we feel safe to :
- Take risks
- Explore new interests
- Chase curiosity & adventure
2. Emotion’s Signal Values
Our emotion’s are the gate way to discovering what matters to us.
And taking the time to write out our value’s and what that looks like, is one of the most powerful tools to manifesting lasting positive change.
Knowing your values :
- Improve’s decision making skills
- Prevents burnout
- Reduces stress
- Allows you to communicate with more compassion
- Boosts self-confidence
To find out what your emotion might be saying, Dr. Susan David suggests asking:
- What is this emotion I’m feeling and what is this emotion telling me about my value’s?
It could be :
- I’m stressed, and need more support right now
- I’m exhausted and I need more self care
- I’m lonely and need community, relationships
- I’m annoyed and need more order, slow living
3. Discomfort & Meaning Are Interwoven
Imagine your life in 5 years.
Now imagine it in 10, 15, even 20 years from now:
- What does your relationship status look like? Married, single?
- Do you want kids? If so, how many?
- Where do you live?
- What does your dream home look like?
- What does your day to day consist of of?
- Dream career?
While goals like these give our lives purpose, they don’t without their own baggage :
Because the truth is :
- Our kid’s will drive us crazy from time to time
- We will get in disagreements with our parents
- You might suffer from late nights in order to reach your career goals
- Some month’s the utility bills are higher than expected in your dream home
All this to say:
We don’t get to have our dream lives, without discomfort of difficult emotions right by our side.
Her book is one I keep going back to again and again, I can’t recommend it enough for gaining the tools needed to live a life with emotional agility. Grab a copy, here