As someone who is about to embark on the journey of motherhood, I am bombarded with all the latest parenting hacks.
Basically, all stemming around the same subject for decades: How to raise polite, ambitious, amazing little super humans!
As parents, we’re constantly told it’s entirely up to us on how our children will turn out.
No pressure, right?
But what if we told ourselves a different narrative?
One that meets all the needs of our children without the astounding amount of anxiety and pressure we put on ourselves when we “mess up?” Inspired by an excerpt of Sarah Ockwell’s book “ How to be a Calm Parent” we’re going to dig into why the good enough parent is truly the greatest parent.
LET’S GO BACK IN TIME…
The idea of the good enough parent goes all the way back to the 1950s ( originally called the good enough mother, of course). It was coined by pediatrician and psychoanalysis Donald Winnicoitt who spent his career making breakthroughs in the field of developmental psychology. The basic theory is that children don’t need superhuman parents. In fact, they just need us to meet their demands most of the time. This is because children should already have developed a secure attachment ( feelings of security and safety) as infants when we attempted to respond to every need right away. But it’s unrealistic to expect that we can give them that level of newborn attention for the rest of our lives. This is why Winnicot believed it actually benefited children for their parents to fail them in small aspects so they learn to deal with disappointments aka building resilience. Examples of this could include:
- Providing a meal that they don’t want
- Coming home distracted from a hard day
- Coming early from the park /event / sharing with a sibling / etc. when they don’t want too
- Not coming the very second they need us to make a small request ( making a snack, etc.)
VALUES
“ We must let go of the fallacy of the perfect or “nirvana” parent. Instead we must be prepared to welcome failure, to make peace with it and to view it as a learning and grounding opportunity – because failure is unavoidable in parenting. “
Sarah Ockwell Smith
- Failure = A learning opportunity for both parties
- Letting go of the need for perfection / over achievement
- Viewing mistakes as a problem to solve not an opportunity for blame
- Focusing on curating an overall positive childhood experience vs. obsessing about the future
- Tolerates the wide range of child’s feelings without getting caught up in them
BENEFITS:
- Builds resilience as they learn how to properly manage frustration and disappointment
- Learns how to rectify one’s mistakes and respond appropriately afterwards ( example: apologizing, self- reflection )
- “Disillusioned” with parents to foster independence & new relationships as they get older
- Less likely to raise perfectionist children
- Makes you more relatable as a parent ( vs. making it appear that you never do any wrong)
WHAT’S THE SCIENCE SAYING?
In “How to be a Calm Parent” by Sarah Ockwell Smith, she shared a 2019 study of parents and infants ( 4 months up until 1 years old). The study looked at the parents’ capacity to give comfort to their crying babies. The results were that they only need to “ get it right” ( respond properly) with security and nurturance 50% of the time to have a positive impact.
WHAT GOOD ENOUGH PARENTING ISN’T
“ I would rather be the child of a mother who has all the inner conflicts of the human being than be mothered by someone for whom all is easy and smooth, who knows all the answers and is a stranger to doubt”
Donald Winnicott
- Good enough parenting doesn’t equal inadequate or a failure as a parent
- It is not an excuse for constantly putting our needs first and our children’s on the back-burner ( instead it is making a space where both needs are equally thought of!)
THE TAKEAWAY:
The hard truth? Problems aren’t unavailable and there will be times when you will react instead of respond. And in those hard moments, instead of beating ourselves up for it, let’s give ourselves an opportunity to ditch the unattainable demands of perfectionism and be content with being “good enough.” In a world full of highs and lows and endless possibles , let’s show our children that it’s okay to make mistakes, and show resilience in any situations that may pop up in their lives.