When I went to dinner with my husband for our anniversary, all I could think about was my daughter.
Suddenly, thoughts flooded my mind like:
- I left her too early ( 2 1/2 months old by that point)
- I was a” bad mom” for kicking her off to the grandparents
- What was she doing? Was she okay?
- We could’ve just had dinner at home
Sadly, this guilty reality is a common phenomenon for many of us raising kids today.
Often, we feel pressured to perform a certain way or dared be perceived as not “good enough” parents.
And if you dare go a moment without them, the other 95% of time you were present for them is washed down the drain.
So, what can we do?
Let’s dive deep into 3 surprising truths on navigating through “mom guilt”.
1. The Illusion of Thoughts
“The primary cause of unhappiness is never the situation but your thoughts about it.”
Eckhart Tolle
Our thoughts have the power to influence our emotions, if we let them.
For example:
Say you realized you haven’t planned any dinner.
Well, that’s just a fact.
But where you decide to go from there, can be a recipe for diaster.
Somehow thoughts turn into :
- I’m the worst planner!
- Why am I always so forgetful?
- I’m the most disorganized mom I know.
- ( Insert Name) always has her stuff together. Why can’t I?
There’s a freedom to the realization that : you are in the driver’s seat when it comes to engaging negative thoughts.
Even if you can’t stop them, you can choose to believe it or simply allow it to pass along with the other 60,000 thoughts we have per day.
And the more you practice allowing your thoughts to come and go, the less influence they have over our emotions.
2. The Root Cause
In Dr. Tsabary’s book the Conscious Parent she speaks on the “super power” our children have: the ability of being in the present moment.
Of course, it’s important to plan for our futures.
I mean, how else could we book plane tickets, pay rent, apply for jobs, etc. if not with some idea of the future in mind?
It’s only a problem when we obsess with the future, based on the fear of not completely screwing up our kid’s lives.
AKA :
The root cause of mom guilt is our fear of not achieving society’s expectations of the “ideal parent and child.”
This fear manifests into guilt when we do anything different from the norm ( example- not subscribing to the self sacrificing parent model or valuing a slower paced lifestyle void of excess activities) .
True freedom lies in realizing these fears are baseless because they don’t align with our most authentic selves.
Even though these fears stem from what other’s expect from us, they may no be what we truly desire for ourselves and our families.
3. Your Inherent Self Worth
Dr. Shelfali Tsabary’s speaks on the three most important questions a child asks:
- Am I seen?
- Am I worthy?
- Do I matter?
For many of us, these 3 valuable questions weren’t validated in childhood, one way or another.
This resulted in masking our true selves, in order to please others around us.
Fast forward to today as we battle the anxieties of feeling inadequate as parents.
Plagued with the mom guilt of “not enough” in our very much action paced society.
So, what can we do?
- Take the time for “soul care” even if just for 5 minutes
- Journaling about anything
- Reciting mantras, affirmations, prayers
- Exploring past traumas through therapy work
- Not labeling our emotions as “good” or “bad” but just is
- Practicing self acceptance
- Being picky with your time ( saying yes = saying no to something else)